I will preface this post with a warning that this is genuinely a pregnant woman’s rambles so excuse me if it’s full of nonsense.

As of today, I am 18 weeks and 4 days into my second pregnancy and bloody hell has it been a wild ride. Unlike my first pregnancy with Sahara, I have had a really hard time, not just with morning sickness but also adjusting to the changes that come with being pregnant while also looking after an 18-month-old.

Up until I was 13 weeks pregnant with Sahara I was an F45 instructor which meant I was up at 4am daily for a 5am clock on, after 13 weeks I changed careers and started working at a digital marketing agency which meant more normal work hours but the point is I was still going to work every day, I was walking the dog almost daily, swimming once or twice a week, and still relatively social on the weekends. This time around, it’s been the complete opposite. Pretty much since I found out at roughly 6 weeks I’ve suffered through constant nausea (why the hell they call it morning sickness is beyond me because it does not discriminate to being only present during the mornings!), which resulted in complete fatigue and exhaustion meaning I spent pretty much weeks 6 till 11 alternating between the bed and couch. During the days when Sahara wasn’t at daycare, my parenting consisted of watching her enjoy a solo play or simply watching TV (take your judgment elsewhere) because I simply could not function.

Week 11 we embarked on our Whitsundays trip and I’m thankful that for the majority of the trip, the nausea subsided slightly so that I could actually enjoy our time away. It was almost like it was teasing me though because for the following week or two I thought I’d finally got over the morning sickness and could get back to functioning, but it was all lies! The throwing up and nausea came back with a vengeance around week 14. After a terrible week, it slowed down again and the sick days became sporadic. The last 48 hours though I’ve thrown up everything I’ve tried to eat, I’ve barely been able to stand up without feeling as though I’m going to collapse straight onto the floor.

It’s not even the being physically sick part that I struggle with the most, it’s the fatigue associated with it and how much I’ve felt as though I’ve neglected my parenting duties to Sahara because I feel like absolute crap. God, there was a time there when I couldn’t get through the day without balling my eyes out because I felt like a terrible parent towards Sahara!

After my pregnancy with Sahara, where I wasn’t overly active, I always said that any pregnancy to follow I was going to keep up my training and eating well but it’s not been like that at all. I put my gym membership on hold until about 3 weeks ago when I felt like I had enough energy to do more than a walk around the block, but even then I’ve only averaged 2 sessions a week. Mentally it’s been a tough time! I feel bad for not working out and staying active; I feel bad for paying for an expensive gym membership that I’m barely using.

I look back on the moments when I thought my pregnancy with Sahara was hard, but boy was I naive! Pregnancy when you’re a parent already is so much harder. Trying to look after yourself when you’re not 100% while also trying to look after and give 100% to your mini-me is a bloody workout. I want to desperately enjoy these last few months of Sahara being an only child but I’d be lying if I said our days didn’t consist mostly of quiet days at home, which makes me really upset because I don’t want her to feel as though I’m neglecting her. Made even harder when you don’t have the convenience of family close by to come and help you on the days you’re truly struggling.

As I get bigger in size and Sahara continues to grow at just as much of a rapid rate, even simple tasks like picking her up and chasing her around are becoming intense and easily make me out of breath!

I think my biggest struggle though is the mental side of things. Because Sahara was a surprise and not something we had planned for, I wasn’t mentally prepared for what pregnancy entailed and I don’t feel as though I enjoyed it, so another thing I took into this second pregnancy is how I desperately wanted to enjoy being pregnant. As a result, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself and because I’m having a slightly hard time physically and mentally I’m feeling as though I’ve let myself down. I’m constantly worried about Sahara and how she’s doing; if my belly is too big or too small for how far along I am; if bub 2.0 is doing ok through all my throwing up; my mind is on an endless hamster wheel of worry and thoughts.

Another note on the mental side of things, I feel really alone and isolated. My closest friends (at no fault of their own!) aren’t in the same life chapter as me, and the friends I do have that might possibly understand how I’m feeling are well and truly past this stage with much older kids. I cannot even tell you when I saw a friend last or left the house for social reasons.

If you’re in your first pregnancy, enjoy it – whatever you’re going through don’t wish you will do it differently next time, and don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

If you’re in your second pregnancy and feeling even slightly the same way I am, know you’re not alone.